For some reason, she likes driving… It feels like a therapy, a sanctuary, a time to be alone, and just be herself… But on this particular day, after a long drive, she just found herself in a bookstore, looking for something, and she has no idea what it is. After an hour of looking around, she finally gave up and went back to her car. At home, whenever she’s alone, it always comes back to haunt her. That feeling of anxiousness… of sensing that somebody else is watching her… sometimes she’d wake up feeling that somebody just breathed on her…. her dreams are always the same… a shadow, always a shadow with topaz eyes, just staring at her while she can’t move… sometimes she wonders if she’s still in her dreams, coz no matter how much she’s tried to move, to scream, she just can’t… not until the shadow stops staring at her… so many questions on her mind… so many things she wants to do, just to take it off her mind. But no matter what she does, no matter what she’s achieved, she always goes back to her feeling of emptiness…
She tells herself she’s got a perfect life… a loving family, a promising career, a huge circle of friends and social network. But she’s always craving for something else… Because of this craving, she’s accomplished more than what people her age have accomplished. What more can she ask for? She always feels different… and so alone even in the company of friends. For some, looking at the outside, she’s very confident and egoistic… a person who takes pride on what she has and she’s become… a person who’s determined and persuasive… not stopping until she gets what she wants… and yet, to others, she’s very shy, quiet, and passive… like she doesn’t care at all….
It makes sense that people can’t figure her out. Because deep inside, she’s struggling to figure herself out too. She can’t make real connection with friends, no matter how much she tries, it always stay on what she calls to be a “convenient superficial” level. She has absolutely nothing to hide, so what is stopping her from making meaningful relationships?’ Is it her cravings??? That feeling of wanting something so bad?
On what it is that she’s craving, she have absolutely no idea…
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WOW, I love this so much. So much more than I can even describe in words!